Thursday, November 1, 2007


I have spent an exorbitant amount of money on pregnancy tests over the last year, but I have acquiesced to the fact that this is a small price compared to the grief from arguing with a woman who is either about to go into her menstrual cycle (PMS) or a woman who is about to have an alien invade her body for the next ten months (don’t let popular knowledge fool you with the whole nine-month thing it’s ten – once your partner gets a hold of this information you’ll never forget it). Either way PMS or baby it’s a lose-lose situation (in monetary terms) so spend the money. Buy the pregnancy tests at Costco, and shut up about it.

So one day after missing her period, a period that has not yet normalized since quitting the pill only 11 short months ago, the test shows two blue lines. This translates into pregnant or in my mind relief. The relief that I wouldn’t have to spend $24 on more purchases of 2 pregnancy tests (plus one for free!) – even in Costco this is the largest quantity of pregnancy tests – whatever the reason hug your partner.

She says, “We can’t tell anyone for 12 weeks. Call my mother.” – Those were her exact words but I knew this was no time to argue. We had been using the pregnant lie to get upgraded on flights, bumped up in the cue in restaurants, and movie theaters (I still don’t know what being pregnant has to do with needing to see sneak into a second movie). Now finally it’s true and we’re supposed to stop. Now when the guy at the car dealership says, “why are you looking for a 7-passenger car?” You say we’re planning ahead. You mean 35 weeks and he thinks 5 years (unless he has kids he might think 240 weeks).

So her mom’s cautions us, “You should take another home pregnancy test at the end of the week.” I look in the box and there’s one left, so I think, “sure, at least it’s the free one.”

Friday rolls around and I say take the test again like Mom wants. She’s reluctant, c’mon for your mom. Just then the phone rings it's mom, “Well?” I hear the wrapper getting ripped and the trickle of forced morning pee. Yep, still pregnant. Mom say, “How did you feel.” I say, “great,” but I think she was probably talking about how my wife, her daughter felt. So it's time to find a doctor. Oh, I moved us out here 6 months ago (24 weeks) and working as a contractor made insurance an expensive pill to swallow but we did and just in time. We've been insured for six weeks now. Whew, dodged a bullet there, no worries plenty to come.